The All of Me

"I haven't seen you for ages, how are you?" they say.

"I'm OK", I reply.

But the truth is what you see of me is OK. What I share, what I choose to share is OK. But that is not me, that is not all of me, because the all of me is what you do not see.

The all of me, you do not see, is not OK.

The all of me you do not see is tired, tired of being the me you see.

What you do not see if is a rough sea of unexpressed thoughts, feelings and emotions, so much love and so much pain, all filled with a hope that one day, one day I'll learn how to become better at being me.

What you do not see is the me that is exhausted of trying, trying to be me, you do not see the discomfort of living with unease. The awkward dance of trying to keep in step with foreign feet, the effort to hold a stranger's smile and the heaviness of keeping up all that you see, because that is not me.

Follow your passion, follow your thing, follow the stars with the wind beneath your wings, strive to reach the moon and you will dance among the stars, follow your heart, they say, it will take you far.

If only they knew, if only they could see, the all of me.

My heart cannot be followed, I've tried, and I got lost, for a heart that is in pieces won't take you to distant shores, it will have you running in circles, and bring you to all fours.

A heart that is broken will not take you far, a heart that is broken will not take you to the shore, it will have you swimming in an ocean so deep and take your breath away, whilst you frantically tread water and pray.

They say that the pain will get better, that hearts mend and that time will heal, but I think these words are spoken by people who never really got real.

Take a right, take a left, head down the straight road then sit on the bench, wait for the bus, catch a train, wave down a car, jump on a plane, sail in that boat, climb that mountain, swim in that river and paddle in that stream… your heart will take you everywhere and no where at all, because the real destination is not where you travel to, it's a journey from within to rebuild your self esteem.

The all of me is not what you see.

"You look well", they say.

"Thank you", I reply.

If only they knew how much I felt so unlike myself and avoided the mirror for fear of being seen.

A stranger's face, a body that doesn't connect to mind, a shell from a foreign land stranded by the water's edge that I've climbed into so I can fit in, fit in to a life that isn't me, because the all of me, is very far from the one you see.

They don't see what lies beneath the surface, the waves of emotion that crash in my throat, the thousands of words that swarm like angry bees around my mind and hang on the tip of my tongue. Words that are never spoken for fear of rejection. A wounded soul, a broken heart does not easily leave itself open to speculation.

Fear of being misunderstood, miscalculated, unseen, for the broken heart that is hiding and a wounded soul that lies dormant can't take anymore more mean.

They lie waiting, waiting to hear a song that they have forgotten, but know is there. The song of self, a love so strong, a knowing that you are whole and at one.

The all of me, is deep and long, it's complicated, it's a symphony of feelings rolled into one, it's a thousand emotions that can be described in one simple word.

Love.

The all of me you do not see is a love that has been broken by mean words, unkept promises, raised hands, sorries never said, dashed expectations, a hurricane of mixed feelings and an ego that cannot accept.

The all of me that you do not see is a song of mixed melodies, that longs to be sung.

The journey that I'm going on is not to lands undiscovered, to cross borders that I have never seen, the path that I am treading will only lead to me, the one I left behind when the music abruptly stopped. When the record player, scratched to a halt and my world hit the rocks. The only thing I have to do is hum and relearn my song, relearn the words and get back in time with the beat of my own drum.

The all of me you do not see is a song that I've forgotten. It's a song that is as soothing as the sun upon your back on a winter's day, the sea breeze on your face in July and as intricate as the wings of a butterfly, it's a unique melody of musical emotions and a choreography of feelings, for this song is all of me.

The all of me you do not see is a soul that wants to sing, a heart that yearns to love freely and a mind that wants to be still, my song is a concert of years past, present and future.

The all of me you do not see is a song that wants to be sung, a song of words I'm trying to relearn so that I can remember how once again to become one.

"How are you?" they say.

"My wings have been clipped, my heart has been caged, my mind dreams of flying and my soul yearns to sing. But I'll get there, I'll relearn my song, I'll sit here and quietly hum. For the one that seeks the music and listens really hard will always become in tune with the beating in their heart"

Follow your passion, follow your thing, follow the stars with the wind beneath your wings, strive to reach the moon and you will dance among the stars, follow your heart, they say, it will take you far.

"I don't don't want to go far", I say,

"I just want to go home".

Follow the music, follow that hum, follow the rhythm and the beat of your own drum, follow the words, follow the tune, follow your own song and become unnumb. Follow your feelings, follow your pull, follow your song until your heart becomes one.

Heart is where the home is and you will know when you have arrived, because you'll know the words off by heart and the music never lies.

Inspired?

If you'd like to go on your own journey of self-discovery and raise your woman within, but you're not sure how or where to start. Or if you're feeling overwhelmed by growing a business and raising a family, contact Holistic Health Coach and Raising Women's Founder Johanna Rossi to find out more about how you can #raiseyourwoman within.

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