This is a complicated story. One which I'm not sure I'll be able to put into words in a concise way. But I have to go with it as these words need to come out, even if it is so I can make sense of what is going on in my head and heart right now. It's hard to be pragmatic about a decision that I know will change the course of my life. I have fear of free falling, the not knowing, the start over, that awful feeling like I'm back at the starting blocks yet again. But I don't want to stay in this uncomfortable space, I no longer want to have doubts about what I'm doing and feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I want to shift this feeling of dis'ease'.
As I said it's a complicated story, I've led a complicated life and I'm a complicated person, so it's hard to even know how to start to explain how I ended up here. I'm going to try my best as being/feeling misunderstood is something that weighs on me greatly and often makes my heart ache with loneliness.
I watched a Ted Talk recently by Guy Winch, it struck me so hard, he talks about his relationship with his twin brother and how we can become psychologically wounded by loneliness. If you've followed my story you'll know that I spent a number of my formative years living very independently, not by choice. It was only hearing Guy's talk that I realised how much those years deeply effected me and still do in terms of feeling alone. Adding to that the feeling that over the years I also feel like I lost touch with my true self, the feelings can often get too much.
I often describe the journey of self discovery as a huge jigsaw puzzle, I think I'll now refer to it as a Rubik's cube, as some days things are so clear and on others life just makes no sense to me, at all. When I started Raising Women I felt like I had put many of the jigsaw pieces together, it felt right, however, it wasn't until I got further into my journey that I fully understood when I was doing, again proving that clarity comes with action. There is so much about what I have done over the last two years that now makes a lot of sense and equally so much that I still question.
After two years of working as a Health Coach I've decided to stop. There I so many reasons why I have made this decision, I told you it's complicated, but it really only boils down to one thing. I could carry on, I know that I can coach and I know from my client's testimonials and by following their journeys that I have helped them piece much of their own jigsaws together. However, it's not who I am. The coach 'hat' is a result of what has happened to me, it happened to me, but it's not me. There I have said it 'out loud', words which have been floating around my head for a little too long now. I no longer wish to be the accumulation of what has happened to me, everyday I feel like I have to keep bearing the weight of so many dark years to be able to do my job effectively, to be able to reach that headspace that allows me to put myself in my client's place, to be able to make that connection that helps them to know that they are not alone. But my own healing journey is suffering because I feel like I can't move on.
A few weeks ago I decided to step back from everything to be able to get some perspective on my life and my work. I'm not good at stopping, I don't like to stand still, because when I do a wave hits me and I feel like I'm drowning… But recently I've just lost the energy that I've been using to keep myself moving in this way, again the reason for this is complicated and it's a whole other story. I don't find life easy and it just gets far too noisy for me sometimes and I knew the only way to really hear what I needed to would be to force myself to keep as still as possible.
During this time I've been back tracking and trying to figure out how I arrived here, how ended up yet again somewhere which my intuition knows is not the right place for me. Again it's complicated and there are so many reasons how I ended up here, but I can narrow it down to two, actually three forks in the road.
"You'll never make any money from that", said my Father to me at 16 years old.
"You'll never make any money from that", said my husband to me at 35 years old.
They say life will keep sending you the sam lesson until you learn it. Take this as lesson learnt life!
In case you were wondering they were referring to the way I chose to express myself through my creativity. Luckily back when I was 16 I had a very supportive art teacher who told my father that I was one of her best students and that it would be a huge mistake not to let me go on to study art further. So I did and I got an A-Level in art and design, passed a foundation course and then achieved a first class honours in Interior Architecture. During that time there was another fork in the road when my tutors imposed that I should study architecture and not what I wanted to do graphics and illustration, yes I did well in the course I took, but it wasn't what I really wanted to do, so when I left university I found it really hard to get the 'right' job and ended up again doing something different. I ended up designing children's clothing for The Walt Disney company. The real cut in my creative path came when I moved to Monaco and after a couple of years of freelancing and working for a photographer, gave it up to help my husband open a restaurant and then I became a mother.
And that is where the journey of Raising Women really started I guess.
Flip forward a few years I'm 35 and I'd started to get back in touch with my creativity, I was making cards, little artworks, mixed media canvases and then those 7 words were once again spoken and I'm thrown off track again. Looking back now I realised that after that I set out on a journey which took me on a path that led to me to studying and understanding so much about the process of self discovery, I became fascinated by it and by how people peeled back the layers and uncovered their true selves, and then I taught what I most needed to learn : That you are already the person who you are so desperately looking for.
Now again I feel the fear because of course I doubt this decision to stop, to change course, and even though I know I need to continue on my creative path I don't actually have any clue as yet where this path will lead me and I'm also scared of losing the positive things I've gained from creating Raising Women. Yet I don't want to put myself in a box and pressure myself to create something that fits into the Raising Women brand. But that would also be amazing if I could. I told you it's complicated, I'm complicated.
I know that my creativity will involve words and I know that it will have a reason, I just don't know what it is all going to look like yet. So I'm still going to be standing back for a while, because I need the headspace now more than ever and I need room to explore and also to deal with a lot of emotions, because it's hard to say good bye to something that you've spent so much time and given so much of yourself for.
There will definitely be more thoughts to come, until then;
Do you must,
Love J x